The Adventures Of Pokeroth And Friends
by scarlettHuntress
Summary: PokemonVII Crossover, crackfic. Slight yaoi SxC. Cloud is Ash, now. Why? Gods, who knows. Noone can explain why Sephiroth is helping him, either. Or why Tifa is acting wierder than usual. And what are they doing here, anyway?


**AN: I am crezzy. This is based off what I can remember of Pokemon Gold. (OLDSCHOOL!)**

**Disclaimer- If I am killing childhood, I am sorry. Also, there may not be an actual creature called Pokeroth in this fic.**

**-**

Cloud blinked, bewildered, up at the unfamiliar ceiling. **The problem here was there wasn't meant to be a ceiling, just the roof you saw when you were outside. If there's a ceiling, how does the player see inside the houses, huh? **Cloud frowned. _What? What did I just hear…?_

But anyway, Cloud was busy blinking and staring up at the ceiling the author is arguing doesn't really exist. But whatever. On his hair **(which was brown of course- wait I mean **_**Blonde**_was jammed a red hat. He blinked yet again (he's very good at it, took a class and everything. If Cloud had a resume, right under where it mentioned he blew up a few mako reactors it'd mention he had a PHD in blinking), and went to take it off.

"_NOOOOOOO!"_ Screamed his mother, flinging herself, breasts-first, into the room. Cloud stared.

"Tif-" A hand plastered across his mouth ceased any sound from his mouth.

"Listen Cloud, you're not Cloud. I'm not Tifa! I'm your mother, and you're…. Ummm…"

_Wow,_ Cloud-not-Cloud thought, _I knew she liked me but I didn't know she was into _this _type of stuff…_

Back to the big-breasted brunette, who was engaging in a riveting conversation with herself. "Now you won't be Ash, because he didn't really exist in the games… But that means your name can be nearly anything, but we can't have that…"

**What about 'Gold?'** The author offered. **After all, that's what one of the preset names were.**

"Uh, sounds weird," The fighter-turned-mother interjected. "What about a combination… say, 'Gash'? Gold ash."

**That's just a taaad too sexual! Uh, Clash? CloudAsh?**

"Sounds like something off Sonic."

"Uh guys…" Cloud waved his hands madly. "I have a name!"

**Oh shut up.**

"Yeah, duh Cloud. We can't use _your_ name!"

"Oh yes," The blonde sighed. "That'd be _logical_, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, logic is_ so _last year. 'Goud'? 'Ashoud'?"

**Laame. …look, we're getting no-where. Cl- uh, **_**you,**_** you are Ash.**

"But that's _not in the game_! This is _stupid_!" Tif- uh, 'Mom' shrieked, latching onto Cl- _Ash_'s arm.

**That is **_**not **_**yours!** The author growled, sending down a sudden bolt of lightning. It was a good thing there was no roof, or there wouldn't be any more house right now.

Clou- uhh _Ash_ glanced Tifa, who was attempting to peel herself off the floor, and then up to where abouts the author seemed to be speaking from. You can imagine the voice coming from the skies, if that makes you sleep better at night. All kinda greek-mythology-y. Ya know.

"Soo." Ash sighed, "Am I _yours_, then?"

**Nope!** The author trilled (or attempted to, at least.) **You are the property of Sephy-kun!**

"Se…?" Cloud- errgh Ash questioned, cut off when the annoying brunette returned to his side.

"So my baby darling sugar pie, you go down to the science lab riiiight next to us (isn't it odd that this town has only about three houses?) and talk to the totally friendly and not perverted at all scientist! Okay sweetie? I'll be rooting you!"

"Roo…? Uh Ti- I mean Mom…"

"Oh sorry dear." Tifa giggled into her hand. "I mean rooting for you. I can't root you if you're here, can I?"

Cloud sprinted out of the house, and then let out an 'Oof!' as he collided with something large. He blinked up at the chubby kid standing over him.

"….Palmer?"

The fat kid giggled slightly. "Naah, I'm just a fat kid! Well, I wasn't fat until those damn pokecentres started building PokeDonalds next to them…"

**So **_**that's**_** why there's so many fat kids in these games…** The author mused aloud.

"Yeah, they're really popular! They have lard dispensers and everything!"

"Lard, Eww." Ash muttered, turning away from the fat kid, who started dancing in the flowers. He found he was in front of a large-ish box-like building. Cloud-Ash turned slightly to look at the town's edge. Wait, "Sephiroth?"

The silver-haired man zipped up his fly, and then turned to face the blonde. "Ahh, hello Ash. I have been waiting for yo- wait, where's your pokemon?"

"I don't have one ye- wait, did you just pee on the side of the lab?"

"What do you mean you don't have one yet! Go in and get one! And I'll have you know, it's my right as a citizen to urinate on the sides of any buildings I wish to."

"No it's not," Cloud pouted.

**Technically rival,** the author chastised,** you're a criminal and have no rights.**

"GO!" Sephiroth pushed the blonde inside, nearly knocking his hat off.

"D'ya wanna flower?" the fat Palmer-kid asked, offering a crumpled and dirtied specimen to the warrior.

"Gah!" Sephiroth growled, fervently wishing for the Masamune.

-------INSIDE THE LAB-------

Cloud stepped hesitantly on the clean white tiles, not knowing what to expect. "Uh…" He called out, "Hello?" behind him, a random ray of light generically flashed off the round-rimmed glasses of the man now reaching out for Ash's shoulder…

"Aah! H… Hojo? …Get away from me!" Cloud screamed hysterically, pushing himself into the wall away from the scientist. Hojo extended one pale hand to him.

"Hello, failure." Hojo greeted him. "I want you to come into the back of my lab and …look at my balls. Perhaps touch them if you want to know what's inside…"

"WAUUUGH!" Cloud hurled himself bodily out of the room.

"Uh Cloud?" Sephiroth turned around from where he seemed to be cleaning pure lard off his sword as he spotted the main character. His gloomy attitude brightened considerably. "You've gotten a pokemon? Finally, I want to kick your ass already! I can just imagine it," he said dramatically. "It'd be a bit like… 'Ash whited out!' and then perhaps you'd wake up in the nearest pokecentre…"

"I… I…" Ash whimpered, curled up in a fetal position. "Sephiroth, Hojo tried to molest me! I'm not going back in there!"

"He… _what_." The God growled and picking up his sword with one arm and hefting Cloud over his shoulder with the other, he burst into the lab.

"Listen you senile, ugly, greasy scientist. You've submitted to Jenova, been killed at least twice, nearly lost your place in canon as my father, and now you're attempting to molest my puppet too? You overstep your boundaries, far _far_ too much."

Hojo blinked up at him, looking for all the world a glorified beetle in a lab coat. "I… I just wanted to show him my ba…. My pokeballs…"

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "Even though it's not your fault… I'm still going to set your lab on fire because _I don't like you_." Delivering a kick to Hojo's frail scientist bones, Sephiroth strode further into the lab. "Come on Clou- Ash, we'll get you a pokemon and steal a pokedex from professor Asshole-Oak here."

There was a voice in Cloud's mind demanding he swoon, and perhaps sigh dramatically. He ignored it.

Sephiroth made a motion to set the blonde on the cluttered work table, but then refrained when he noticed the table's surface held several syringes, strange white powders and many, many greasy pokeballs,

"Ew," Cloud remarked. "They're Hojo's balls? That doesn't look …healthy."

"I can't believe canon says he's my father…" Sephiroth muttered. "No-one with red and white balls could father children!"

Cloud looked up at him. "I'm sorry Seph, but I'm not going near those things…"

Sighing loudly, Sephiroth hitched the blonde into his arms, and extended his hand hesitantly. "I never thought I'd ever do this…" snatching one of the two-toned balls he hurled it at the wall.

"Cthu-cth!" the dog-sized tentacle monster somehow said, despite any visible mouth or vocal facilities. Giving it a horrified once-over, Ash seized what he hoped was a pokedex, and waved it at the thing.

"Baby Cthulu, Tentacle Monster type Pokemon." The red plastic computer told him in a generically mechanical voice. "The evolved form, Cthulu is fond of Wutainese schoolgirls who wear short skirts, and has been a star or many a hentai film."

"Eww…" The blonde muttered, glad Aeris wasn't back from the dead to stuff him into a skirt, as the mild but oh-so-devious woman would no doubt be tempted to.

"Next pokemon." Sephiroth decided, torching the thing with one wave of his leather-clad hands. The next pokeball went hurtling through the room.

"Re-uuunio---n…" said the purple thing. Cloud threw a scalpel at it, and then nuked the thing with a volley of magic from his equipped green materia just to make sure (despite being dressed like an adventuring twelve-year-old playing slavetrading games with strange beings, with no sign of a materia bracer or even his trusty Ultima weapon in sight. Cloud managed it anyway.). Sephiroth gave the pile of ashes a woeful look.

"Sephiroth, you can't pull off 'A Woeful Look'. You're an asskicking, conquering, self made God!" The blonde shouted. The author threw something at him, _hard_.

"OW, that hurt, you bitch!" he shouted, whilst his seat grinned cruelly."Yes Cloud, being the girl is_ your_ job, isn't it?"

"The name's Ash," the blonde muttered sulkily, tapping the cap's brim.

Sephiroth just sighed, staring at the pile of …balls. "Well, let's get going then, _Ash._ We've _got_ to find a halfway decent pokemon in here _somewhere_…"

"I think you just jinxed us," The blonde told him.

---

As it turned out, Sephiroth hadn't jinxed them, but it still took them two and a half hours to find the creature in front of them now.

"This is a…?"

"Mudkip." the useless red toy told them in the monotonic voice. "Blah blah blah, useless facts here."

"Well, that was helpful," Sephiroth decided sarcastically. "Cloud, take the damn thing already."

"…I don't trust it." The blonde told him, hand hesitantly hovering over the gleaming pokeball. "This seems a bit_ too_ easy. …And why are you still carrying me?"

"Nearly three hours is not _easy_, blondie."

"Yeah, but I only got tentacle-molested three times, that's a bit of a record for me actually." Cloud grumbled.

"Look Puppe-"

"MY NAME IS CLOUD!" the blonde shouted at the same time as the ceiling rumbled ominously. **HIS NAME IS ASH!**

"My Name is Cloud, and I'm a real boy." Cloud repeated his mantra, as the Author sighed flippantly. **Look you two, less of the cutesy pet namesing and more of the pokemanning!**

"Pokeman?" This caught the attention of the hyperventilating blonde, who unfortunately couldn't continue vocalizing his trail of thought as he found himself flung violently against his General's shoulder, yet again.

"Come on _puppet_, we have things to do."

"Wait, Sephiroth!" Cloud shouted, trying in vain to look the man in the face. It's a good thing he never managed this, as if he had he'd have seen Sephiroth staring at his wriggling behind with an almost scary interest.

"What is it, puppet?" the older man said, mentally debating whether or not to risk attempting to grab the blonde's ass.

"Okay. Just stop calling me puppet! I have a name, you know!"

"…So you would prefer I called you failure, puppet?"

Cloud froze, livid with anger. Sephiroth realized something was wrong when his 'Cloud isn't going to put out-o-meter' in his pocket started whistling shrilly, and he could feel the blonde's fingernails splintering against his back. "Cloud," he sighed. "This is a _comedy_. That means you're not allowed to be serious, and that includes seriously and non-humorously angry at me. So, give it up before the author shouts at us again."

"I want this to be a _real_ fic," the blonde muttered grumpily.

"Oh, so you want me to say I'm sorry and hug and kiss you and other horrible things until I make sweet love to you, and you forgive me because you love me forever?"

"NO!" Cloud screamed. "Just …say you're sorry." Sephiroth refused, then made an odd face and immediately apologised.

"What was that all about?" Tifa asked the author, from where they were hiding in the bushes. Tifa had a camera, and had already filled up six gigabytes worth of memory cards with photos of her beloved 'son'. A lot of them focused on his buttocks.

**I threatened to castrate him. **

"Lol!" Tifa said, and then the author stabbed her. **Gods, **_**don't say that!**_

Back to our besotted- _erm_, beloved heroes, Cloud had finally gotten around to telling Sephiroth what exactly was on his mind.

"Don't you need a Pokemon, as well?"

"I have one already," the silver haired man told him, holding out a Pokeball. Cloud noted

the purple-green goop leaking from it with horror.

"What in Gaea's name is that monstrosity?" He demanded.

Sephiroth smirked. "That, pet, is Jenova." he frowned. "Or is that Jenova-mon?"

**Didn't Cloud nuke it? **The author butted in, only to be ignored. Most cuelly.

"That's only Digimon, I think." Cloud answered absentmindedly. "Pokemon's better, though. Sephiroth, that's _sick_. Do you really have to use that?"

"_That_ is Mother!"

**Maybe that was only part of Jenova in Professor Oak's lab? Was there more? Why is everyone ignoring me?**

"Nope, my friend Vincent used to stalk your mother before Hojo stabbed him with a bullet, and he said your mother is- uhm, was, Lucretia. Actually, I'm surprised Vincent doesn't stalk _you_, now.

**That's because he's not in this fic, duh.**

"Okay," Sephiroth sighed again. "Author, shut up. Cloud, Jenova talks in my head and that's more than this other mother of mine does. Though, if you know a way to switch them, I'd love to know. Now, we're going to kick the Elite four's asses."

"Uh, Seph, I need gym badges first…" the blonde muttered, sliding off Sephiroth's shoulder and trying to get used to standing again. The General caught him with a (lecherous) arm around his waist, and held something out in his other hand. 

"I took the liberty of getting them for you," he told Cloud, and passed them to the blonde. Cloud inspected them critically, scratching lightly at a red-brown stain on one.

"Sephiroth, is this _blood_?"

"Maybe, just a little?"

Cloud gave him a critical look. "Did you murder all of the gym leaders?"

Sephiroth ran a loving finger down the blonde's cheek. "Pet, murder is too mild of a word. So is maimed, slaughtered, and savaged. And while you're criticizing me, weren't you meant to be called Ash?"

"Well, I don't talk to myself, it's everyone else that calls me that!"

"Not me, pet," The General smirked. "I just call you puppet."

"I noticed," the blonde snarled. "Not anymore, you won't!"

Sephiroth sighed and seized the blonde, holding him close. "Come on then, we have to go to the Olympic- I mean, the Pokemon League."

As they teleported away, Cloud muttered grumpily, "I don't see what use _one_ wing is, anyway."

PAGEBREAK+

"Oof!" Cloud complained. It was worse for Sephiroth, however, as the younger had landed square in his stomach.

"Gaea blondie," The General complained vehmently, "For a skinny little bitch you sure do weigh a lot. What did Hojo do to you exactly, replace your organs with weights?" Cloud tried to kick him, as best he could from his lying-down position, on top of the man.

"Shut up Seph, and look at that kid. Over there, see?" he pointed. Sephiroth followed the finger's direction to see a strangely red-hued kid talking to everyone in the strangely empty foyer. _Talking _was a bit of an overstatement- the kid seemed to walk up to complete strangers, who would then tell him stuff.

"What about him?" the Demon of Shinra groused.

The blonde gave him a pointed stare. "Look like anything you know?"

Sephiroth looked from the pixelated figure to the cap that had now crushed his boytoy's chocobo spikes, and back again. And then back again. And then back again.

Cloud groaned. "Seph, don't tell me you're that thick!"

Sephiroth swatted him angrily. "I was just admiring the way the cap hid all of your horrible hair, actually," the man said. He decided to not tell Cloud that he actually was fond of the blonde's hairstyle, for obvious reasons, such as his dignity.

Cloud grunted grumpily, looking up at the weird thing again. "Uhm, if i'm the 'player character', shouldn't I be him?"

Sephiroth grinned, good spirit returned (or as happy as the General could be, anyway), "We should probably kill him," he told Cloud.

Cloud made a face. "Can't I challenge him to a Pokemon battle?" he blinked, and looked up, and there was the pixelated mess right in front of his face. "GAH!"

"Pokemon? Pokemon battle? Battle me, now!" it demanded.

Cloud blinked at him. "You talk? Really truly?"

Sephiroth rubbed the blonde's neck. "Oh Cloud, your talent at blinking astounds me..."

"I have a PHD in it, you know." the 'freedom fighter' (read- terrorist) told him.

"I'm supposed to battle my rival, now." the player told them, miffed at being ignored. "I'm supposed to meet him at the bottom of the stairs. He's not there, is he one of you two?"

"Rival?" Sephiroth had the grace to look a little embarrassed. "I think I killed him."

"Then you are, by default, my rival!" he was informed.

"HEY!" Cloud growled, seizing Sephiroth's arm. "He's my rival, get your own!"

The player turned to the blonde. "Then you have to be my rival! Please?"

Sephiroth pulled Cloud into his lap. Easily done as they were still sitting where they had fallen (In fact, Sephiroth didn't really have to do anything to get Cloud in his lap, as the blonde was already there.). "It's really touching that you're possessive over me, pet. Because you're so aware that I own you wholly and completely, I will destroy this pest for you," Sephiroth told him gallantly, not mentioning what they already knew, which was that Sephiroth would have done it regardless.

"Wait! Seph, shouldn't I actually test out my Pokemon, instead?" Cloud proposed, ignoring the author's cackles of laughter at her use of the word 'propose'.

_"Fiine,"_ Sephiroth sighed. "I guess not all battles should be solved by stabbing someone- after all, it's hell to get dried blood of Masamune,"

"RIGHT!" the player cheered. "Pokemon battle, start!" He sent out his first Pokemon, and Cloud released his mudkip.

The Player's pokedex spluttered. "Mudkip. Penis Pokemon. This Pokemon isn't in this series, you gameshark whore."

Cloud had the dignity to look affronted. "Gameshark? Well I never!" A second later he was even more insulted, as the Player's something-or-rather Pokemon took down his Mudkip with a single hit. "Oof." he muttered, then instinctively shielded his eyes from the spray of blood that he associated with Sephiroth drawing Masamune. He was dissapointed, as not even the Demon General can draw blood from strange rubbery animals.

Cloud watched with interest as Sephiroth methodically slaughtered every pokemon the Player sent out. When he fell to the ground, defeated, Sephiroth covered the blonde's eyes again. "HEY!" Cloud shouted angrily. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Watching someone 'white out' is not an event that should be seen with human eyes, or mako eyes for that reason," Sephiroth told him, finally letting the blonde see. The lobby's floor was covered in a gelatinous substance.

"What's that?"

Sephiroth smirked. "Ever tried killing a ditto?" The blonde shuddered.

"Okay, now what?" Sephiroth passed him a plastic bag (pulled from the same pocket universe that the two store their swords in) full of candy bars. "Rare Candy," he read off the label of one. Taking a bite, he retched and spat it out again. "Ancient Candy is more like it! This expired years ago!"

"Feed it to your pokemon," Sephiroth told him, contemplating killing the nurse and store clerk that were staring at him in horror. "As well as being slaves for us, pokemon are a good way to get rid of food that's not fit for human consumption,"

Cloud sighed, and went about the job that was feeding 95 candy bars to a plastic animal.

76000 grams of fat avoided later, the blonde sighed and leaned back. In front of him was his pokemon, buffed up on steroi- uh I mean Rare Candy. Yeah.

He huffed out a short breath and sat back, looking up at Sephiroth (who had _finally_ gotten off the ground). "Now what?"

Sephiroth smiled down at him, belligerently, like a god smiling down on its' subjects. "Now, my pet, we conquer!" he laughed madly for a few seconds, until Cloud kicked him in the gonads.

Two hours later the two finally climbed the stairs to the Pokemon League, covered in bruises, scratches, deep lacerations and in some cases, slap-marks. Cloud was muttering angrily under his breath, and Sephiroth was grinning at the fact that he had groped the blonde several times.

"Hokay," Cloud sighed, "Let's do this thing."

After walking (or teleporting, as was the case with Sephiroth, who used the extra time to flick things at Cloud) up the pointless flights of stairs and conquering the four Elites (and if Cloud's now level 100 pokemon failed, Sephiroth would slaughter the unsuspecting being and then restore Cloud's pokemon to full health with the Revives and other items he had stolen after killing the shopkeeper), they reached the Champion.

"Uh," the Champion started, "Aren't you supposed to be wearing more red?"

Cloud threw the Ultima Weapon (that he had stealthily concealed _somewhere_, just like when he was at the honeybee inn in a SOLDIER uniform and with the Buster Sword, and no-one seemed to notice that either were under his dress) at him. "What the hell do I look like, that stupid Turk Reno?" he growled, and then winced. The pokemon champion had not dodged the massive hunk of pseudo-metal, and was now sadly missing a head. "Does this mean I defeated him?" he hesitantly asked the silver-haired man.

Sephiroth shrugged. "Sure, why not. We've saved the world or something, now let's get out of here…" he was interrupted by a giant RRRRUMBLE from outside. The two looked up, and luckily enough there didn't seem to be a roof (_**of course that's only so the person playing can see in**_), so they could see the giant mass of Ruby WEAPON, as it crushed half the Pokemon League. Cloud winced.

"Did… did that follow us here? …Oops."

Cloud received a light hit on the head for that. "Of course it did, you stupid blonde. Yes that's right, it followed us through timespace. Now let's get out of here."

"Let's mosey," the blonde corrected, idly stepping out of the way of a falling pillar.

"Mosey," Sephiroth mused, pulling Cloud in tightly enough so that his superworldly teleport would work on the blonde, and then some. "Zack used to say that, right?". When Cloud nodded in assent, he smiled slightly. "Well in that case, we'd better mosey."

The force of the teleport splintered the nearby wall, but neither noticed.

They had, after all, Moseyed.

_**Finis**_

_Finished! Yay! This is my brainchild of about two months of typing in spare time at school, and jeez I did not expect this to be as long as it is now :D._

_Special thanks go to Katie and Chris for putting up with me while typing this in TD, and for even helping me (and not just with geometry!)._

_I like this fic I even drew _myself_ fanart- (__http / www . deviantart . com / deviation / 61052879 /__ if you're brave enough to want to look at it (IE brave my terrible art skillz XD) just take out all the spaces)_

_Please R&R, they keep an ficwriter (or author, as I seem to be referring to myself as) fed, happy and healthy!_


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